Rebecca Sohn: Honoring the bereaved mothers
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Today we again celebrate and honor those who are mothers — an official holiday in the United States since 1914.
Celebrations of motherhood are not new. They have existed in many iterations dating back to the Greeks and Romans and now take place throughout the world.
However, what has and continues to change is the definition of motherhood. We are learning mothers come in many different forms. Yes, by the children a woman has born, but also in forms beyond biology and gender to the love one holds within.
This message is a tribute to the mothers who have empty arms and carry their children in their hearts — our bereaved mothers.
Because of the awkwardness and inability to deal with the unimaginable loss of a child, bereaved mothers are likely to experience different reactions on Mother’s Day. If a child is deceased, there will be those who no longer consider one to be a mother. Also, there will be those who do not know what to say and find avoidance of any acknowledgment the best strategy.
Lastly, there will be a few whose compassion and bravery will not allow them to overlook a bereaved mother. They will reach out with understanding and respect. These will be the ones who recognize joy and grief cohabitate and through this understanding and compassion bring out the connection within us.
This ambiguity, importance and need for bereaved mothers to be recognized resulted in the creation of International Bereaved Mother’s Day (IBMD). Started in 2010, it honors mothers who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS or any other type of pregnancy and infant loss. The day is observed on the first Sunday in May, a week before Mother’s Day. Its founder, Marie Dudley, wanted to help heal hurting mothers’ hearts. She intends IBMD to be a temporary movement and considers it a heart-centered attempt at healing the official Mother’s Day. She believes, “in the near future there will be no need for such a day because all true mothers will be recognized, loved, supported and celebrated.”
This column is a call for all to help make this happen sooner rather than later. What bereaved mothers want others to know is that grief never ends … but it changes. It is a passage, not a place from which to “move on.”
Grief is not a sign of weakness, a lack of faith or the end of motherhood. It is the price of steadfast love whose enactment becomes different for “children of the heart” but no less strong and permanent than that of any other mother. As Dudley so aptly notes, bereaved mothers are true mothers, too.
More phone calls will be made on Mother’s Day than any other day of the year. To mothers whose children are “of the heart,” know your conversations will transcend telephone lines and cell towers. They will be with the free and soaring spirits of your departed children and speak to the beautiful memories you hold.
Each year, let them serve as a reminder of the indelibility of motherhood. Let there be no pity because we are bereaved. This is a day to be honored because you are a mother.
Rebecca Sohn is a retired Pittsburgh-based executive and the mother of Manon Alexandra Sohn (1991-17).