Pittsburgh Bereavement Doulas embrace parents through the loss of a baby
Their tiny hands will never hold on to their parents.
Their small feet will never take a step.
Their eyes will never open wide with wonder.
The unthinkable death of a baby is a moment that lives on in a parent’s heart forever. The heartache of losing them is infinite.
When a baby dies, moms and dads are in shock. They can’t believe the words they are hearing — “I am sorry. There is no heartbeat.”
Parents endure hours of labor and are placed in a life-altering situation. Their world has been turned upside-down. There are more questions than answers.
Their hearts are shattered.
On Dec. 6, 2018, Holly Wilkerson of Hempfield had an appointment to find out the gender of her baby she and her husband Jared had been calling “Little Nugget.”
She was almost 22 weeks pregnant.
“Little Nugget” was their second child. Logan, is now 6½ and a second daughter Marlena is 1½.
“They told us there was no heartbeat, and I asked them to check again,” Holly Wilkerson said. “I was like, ‘what did you just say?’ I thought, did I miss something?”
She and her husband drove from Greensburg to Monroeville to meet with her obstetrician.
“One of the hardest things I ever had to do was walk in that waiting room and see all those moms,” Wilkerson said.
As she met with her doctor, she began to cry, as did a medical student. Wilkerson allowed the student to be in the room.
“I know it was a tough moment, but things like this will happen in her career,” said Wilkerson, a German and social and emotional learning teacher in the Greater Latrobe School District. “I am a teacher, so that’s why I think allowed her to stay. My doctor told me this wasn’t my fault.”
Wilkerson was scheduled to go to Forbes Hospital of Allegheny Health Network the following Tuesday. She began to decorate the family’s Christmas tree to keep things somewhat normal for her son.
“I could not look in any mirrors,” she said. “I put a decoration on the tree, and I just lost it.”
That Monday, she was bleeding, so she went to the hospital.
The social worker asked her if she would like a bereavement doula, a person who has special training in perinatal loss.
Wilkerson said she could not afford one.
Services of a Pittsburgh Bereavement Doula are free. Pittsburgh Bereavement Doulas are funded primarily through donations, fundraising and memorial gifts. A large amount of financial support has come from the Elsie H. Hillman Foundation and The Pittsburgh Foundation.
It was founded by executive director Heather Bradley of O’Hara.
She was who came to help Wilkerson that day, Dec. 10, 2018.
“I had never heard of bereavement doulas,” Wilkerson said. “Heather was with me and I was in so much pain. She told me ‘You are in pain in so many ways, I am going to get someone.’”
Bradley has been doing birth work for more than two decades, including as a traditional doula since 1996. Traditional doulas provide physical, emotional and informational support during labor. She founded Pittsburgh Bereavement Doulas after a good friend experienced this profound loss. Bradley was inspired by the lack of resources to help her friend, whose baby was stillborn.
“When your baby dies, you may be at a loss as to what to do next,” Bradley said.“Experienced bereavement doulas will support you during the birth of your baby by miscarriage, stillbirth or life-limiting diagnosis. We can guide you through options, suggest ways to honor and remember the baby, and offer the support needed afterward.”
Making a difference
Everything seemed fine with Kayla Parker’s pregnancy — until 35 weeks and five days. On that day, her baby, little Nova Rose’s heart stopped beating. There was a knot in the umbilical cord cutting off the baby’s oxygen.
Parker, of Swissvale, was admitted to UPMC Magee- Womens Hospital in Oakland, where her mom Sherry Parker works. “My mom is the backbone of this family and the strong one,” Kayla Parker said.
Bradley was in the hospital with another mother when she heard about Parker.
“Heather was there through God’s intervention,” Sherry Parker said. “It doesn’t matter how far along the pregnancy is, anytime this happens it is devastating.”
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 1 pregnancy in 100 at 20 weeks of pregnancy and later is affected by stillbirth, and each year about 24,000 babies are stillborn in the United States. A stillbirth is the death of a baby before or during delivery. Both miscarriage and stillbirth describe pregnancy loss, but they differ according to when the loss occurs.
In Pennsylvania, a miscarriage is usually defined as the loss of a baby before the 16th week of pregnancy, and stillbirth is the loss of a baby after 16 weeks of pregnancy, Bradley said. The causes of many stillbirths are unknown. Stillbirth occurs in families of all races, ethnicities, income levels, and ages.
Bradley and her team are on call 24/7.
“Losing a baby is life-changing and needs to be treated sensitively and with an understanding that this is still their child,” Bradley said. “The parents want to talk about their baby and they don’t want people to forget. The worst thing friends and family can do is clam up and pretend it never happened.”
The parents want to remember every detail of their baby.
Because the team of eight doulas have shared such an intimate moment with the parents, that time spent together creates a bond. Some of the parents come to work with Bradley, who hosts annual training sessions.
They need to trust you.
“We are complete strangers when I walk in there on the worst day of their lives,” said Bradley, a mom of four biological children and two step-children. “I think it’s important to raise awareness that this happens a lot. They invite us into their space. We get to meet their baby. You see love. You see a very human moment.”
“Heather is amazing,” Wilkerson said. “I don’t know where I’d be today had she not been there to guide us. She was so gentle. We really connected with her. She brought calm and peace to the room. She told us she would do whatever we wanted. There was no judgment.”
Related:
• Olivia’s Angels Perinatal Palliative Care Program helps families through loss of a newborn
• Western Pennsylvania experts advocating in support of doulas
Brave love
Wilkerson was wearing a necklace with the words “brave love,” and Bradley said what Wilkerson was experiencing was just that – brave love.
“We were blindsided by this,” Wilkerson said. “We lost hopes and dreams. They all died in that moment.”
An autopsy showed a placental abruption — when the placenta partly or completely separates from the inner wall of the uterus before delivery. This can decrease or block the baby’s supply of oxygen and nutrients, according to the Mayo Clinic.
Bradley placed a heart charm in the baby’s hands and took a picture, which is displayed on a memorial shelf in the home.
“Those are the only pictures I will ever have,” Wilkerson said. “I won’t have photos of her walking or her first day of school pictures. We lost all of those moments.”
Wilkerson, 35, said she has found purpose through the loss of her daughter by connecting with other loss moms.
“The children we have lost have guided us,” she said.
Having a baby after loss is scary, Wilkerson, 35, said.
Lena was born in April 2020, the day after “Little Nugget’s” 2018 due date.
The family talks about the baby and has a cake on what they call “her day.”
“I see kids her age and sometimes I have to look away,” Wilkerson said. “I think about what she would be doing. There are waves of grief. Social media makes it harder because you see all of the milestones of how old your child should be.”
What to say
When comforting a loss parent, Wilkerson cautioned to be mindful that the person might not be religious.
“I know it’s hard to know what to say, but something like ‘How are you really feeling today?’ works,” Wilkerson said. “Or even, ‘I don’t know what to say, but I am right here.’”
Don’t say that they are young and can have more children, or that they have other children.
Jared Wilkerson, who turns 36 in February, said don’t be afraid to talk about your baby. It is not taboo.
“I handle things differently,” said Jared Wilkerson, who wears a leather cord bracelet with an angel he made to honor his daughter. “I am more quiet and reserved, and I am still trying to process what happened. You lose those milestones and every step of the journey without your baby.”
Some days it hits him hard, Jared Wilkerson said. He said recently the thought came into his head that he will never walk “Little Nugget” down the aisle for her wedding. The family was at Disney World on Father’s Day and he saw other dads with their little girls dressed as princesses.
Holly and Jared Wilkerson attended the Pittsburgh Bereavement Doulas’ third annual Light & Unite Fundraiser. The event was most recently held at Gilfillan Farm in Upper St. Clair, on Oct. 15 which is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.
Bradley embroidered the names of 80 babies on ribbons attached to a Tiki torch. Called the International Wave of Light, it is a worldwide candle lighting and remembrance ceremony that happens at 7 p.m.
Courtney and Brayden Shepherd, 25, of Charleroi attended the remembrance ceremony. Their baby Celeste Lorriane, (Lorraine is Brayden Shepherd’s great grandmother’s name), was born still at 22 weeks in July 2021 at the Allegheny Health Network’s Jefferson Hospital.
Her name means “heavenly warrior.”
She became tangled in the umbilical cord and wasn’t getting nutrients or oxygen.
“There was no way to prevent what happened,” Courtney Shepherd said.
Bereavement doula Aleata Geletko, who works with Bradley, helped dress the tiny baby in a white gown and wrapped her in a pink and white afghan with rose details. They made a cast mold of her little feet.
Geletko, who is the mother of nine children, and grandmother to a grandson and has one granddaughter arriving in April, stayed with Celeste Lorraine until the funeral director arrived.
“I couldn’t stay at the hospital, because that would have been too difficult to see them take my baby, but I didn’t want her to be alone,” Courtney Shepherd said.
The holidays, especially entering a new year, have been heart-wrenching, Courtney Shepherd said.
“I had a really hard time because I felt like I was leaving her behind,” she said. “She was born in 2021 and will be forever there. It was like we were moving forward, and she wasn’t.”
Deacon Anthony Giordano of Economy Borough, Beaver County, who leads the grief ministry for the Catholic Diocese of Pittsburgh, said the loss of a baby is the most traumatic experience a couple can go through. He said he has held prayer services with moms and dads.
“The anticipated birth of a child is supposed to be such a wonderful time,” Giordano said. “And when something goes wrong … there is no worse pain.”
He recalled being with parents when their baby died a few days after birth from medical issues. Grief affects the entire family and we are never prepared for this level of loss.
“It shuts us down physically and mentally,” Giordano said.
Photos are priceless
Shepherd looks at her baby’s photo daily. She talks to her living children — Cayden, who turned 5, on Halloween and Paisley, who will be 2 in March – about their sister.
When she told her son that Celeste Lorraine is in heaven, he asked, “How will Santa Claus be able to find Celeste?”
Geletko said she will suggest the parents cuddle with their baby and read him or her a book or sing to the baby. One father held his daughter for a daddy-daughter dance. Geletko met Bradley when Geletko’s friend’s baby died and Geletko was there to support her friend.
“It was such a traumatic thing to go through,” said Geletko, of McKeesport. “I am thankful to be there for these moms and dads and to be able to help them. As I waited for the funeral director, I sang to Celeste and I held her. I feel honored to be part of this very intimate and personal time for these parents. I tell them this is a love story.”
That love connection comes through when walking into the bedroom of Kayla Parker. On several shelves are photos and keepsakes of her baby, Nova Rose, who was born still on Oct. 18, 2020.
Parker brought the child home for a few nights through a program called Hugs at Home.
Parker placed Nova Rose in her bassinet from the baby shower, swaddled in a blanket, at the foot of her bed.
Bradley said there can be a secondary loss of not having their baby in his or her bed or not being able to hold the baby in a rocking chair. She said it’s not for everyone, but that she lets them know they have that option. Having her baby at home is a time Parker said she will remember forever.
“Having Nova Rose was with me calmed me,” said Parker, 27, as she stood in her bedroom with a blanket covering her bed with a photo of she and her baby. “I am glad I brought her home, and I am so glad I have pictures of my daughter.”
She said the loss of a baby affects the entire family. She and her husband and children were looking forward to the baby’s arrival — her first grandchild. Each of them came into Kayla Parker’s room and kissed baby Nova Rose on the forehead before they said goodnight.
“You can’t comprehend how intense that moment is unless you experience it,” Sherry Parker said.” It is therapeutic to talk about Nova Rose. We had plans for her. All those plans we had were gone in the blink of an eye.”
JoAnne Klimovich Harrop is a TribLive reporter covering the region's diverse culinary scene and unique homes. She writes features about interesting people. The Edward R. Murrow award-winning journalist began her career as a sports reporter. She has been with the Trib for 26 years and is the author of "A Daughter's Promise." She can be reached at jharrop@triblive.com.
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